sweet darkness of summer
It wasn't the summer I thought it would be. My goals were go to the gym, get my body in shape, do yoga, meditate, draw, visit Ohio, blog and rest. I accomplished most of these but none looked as I had imagined.
I heard Jack Kornfield speak at the Skirball Center in late June. He is all that he writes about. Kindness toward myself has always been a struggle, but hearing his voice quieted many of the old voices. I had a new gentle voice whispering loving kindness in my ear. Oh, to be reminded you are worth loving. My first summer blessing!
My body was speaking to me in volumes these last 9 weeks. I hurt... slow down... feel the pain... locate the source... rest... ask for help. This was a place of deep work!
When I've hurt in the past, I'd push through the pain... tough it out. Can't do that anymore.
Slowing down made me feel... feeling it all. Oh, how I wanted to die at times. Old hurts wedged in the knooks and crannies of my every cell.
Rest!! That is against the golden rule of "DOING" Doing for others being most important. My body could do no more. I laid on the yoga mat in tears wanting to know what I'd done wrong. Now I can't go to the gym!
I finally came to ask for help. I asked on old resource for help and had no response. That was tough, it made me very angry and the little girl inside said, "See, you need to go it alone. No one can help you. You ask for too much." I told that old voice to quiet down and that it had taken tremendous courage for me to even ASK for help. What I learned was that that specific resource CAN'T help me. I needed to find new people who could see me as I am today, a woman with physical pain who could never feel it before, but now knows exactly where the help is needed. Second blessing of the summer!
The healers showed me that I've been trying to right the wrongs in my body, but needed assistance. One said, "Annie, you are a doer. Now you need to do less. Put "doing less" as #1 on your To Do List." That statement hit home. Kornfield's voice entered, "Be kind to yourself ." Blessing #3.
My dear friend pushed hard for me to see her chiropractor. I surrendered to the drive outside of my 'hood and met him. Another healer who heard me and could hear my body speaking volumes. Validation of the pain, reasons for the pain, and thankfully relief from the pain through patient intuitive touch. I don't need too much. I just need people to hear and see me as I am today. Blessing #4
I did make it to Ohio. A true highlight of my summer. To visit with my closest friend and her husband was wonderful. I went there knowing that me just being me was enough for them. They love me as I am, no gifts, no talents necessary... just open-hearted Annie as she is. Time to talk and catch up on all the little details that 2,000 miles and 3 hour time change make challenging. I will be back to the midwest each year for as long as they are there. They are a resource that will never fade, with time and love only making it stronger. Blessing #5
Yoga became a real meditation this summer. When your body can't be in the poses, you find a way to sit with the emotions as they flood in. I worked with new teachers who held space for this softening body, mirroring for me the courage it takes to listen inside. Oh, the battles that took place on the mat! This wasn't a sweet blissful practice... it was seeing the shadow and facing it head on. Teachers triggering old voices, becoming angry, feeling the anger, giving it time and space, and returning in a new place. Just another layer in the mind-body connection. Blessing #6
Art was my salvation. The outlet for my love and anger. Drawing, making the lines, writing the words my soul needed to express, and then giving the art to those who inspired it was a liberating experience. I've watched all summer how a simple word drawn with intention and love can open doors and free the grasping child. Trusting my internal voices in art.
Blessing #7
So many times I've wanted to blog about what was transpiring but I could never decide where to start. Under all that I've written was a deep saddness around the health of my mother. The tears start to well just as I write this. I've found the courage to talk about it with friends and not pretend that I'm strong enough to go it alone. I'm not!! Watching and living with my mother, as caregiver, who was once a truely vital, bright woman and now is dealing with the reality of a weakening mind is devastating. Physically she is stronger than most 78 year-olds I know, but mentally the connections are weaker. Deterioration is happening and it brings saddness to us both. I'm working to be compassionate with her, going to my well of patience. More importantly being compassionate and patient with myself. Asking my siblings to help. Again, admitting I can't do it alone. I'm writing it here to release the need to carry it alone any longer. Blessing #8
I have found inspiration this summer as well. Finding a friend here on Gaia who told me of Cafe Press, a place where I can take my art a step further. Erin has been a missing piece in one of my puzzles. Thank you for your loving feedback and openness to share your ideas. Blessing #9
The Olympics were a place of inspiration as well. Athletes who've trained for years coming to the culminating moment. How will it play out? Dara Torres demonstrated that it doesn't have to be gold to be good. She motivated me to not ignore my goal oriented nature, no it isn't a bad thing to have dreams. It's vital to keep those juices flowing. After her silver medal 50 freestyle swim, by .01 of a second, I found myself reflecting on what I want in my life. They came by two, physical, emotional, finanical, and professional goals. Some I've already achieved but it seemed in writing them it was a validation of what's been accomplished and the work still to be done. I am on the path. Blessing #10
As I go back to work tomorrow the question will be asked, "How was your summer?" Too much to explain in a short visit, but one that will be seen in every cell of my body, in every word I choose to share, and in every action I choose to make in the coming year.
Here is what I know: I love to teach, I love to draw, I love to move my body and sing, I love to connect with others in the most authentic ways, I love honesty, truth, and deep conversation, I am a breath breathing human being who is releasing that which no longer serves her, I am letting the LOVE of LIFE into my every cell, I am able to LOVE myself and allow others to LOVE ME TOO!!
This poem was a focal point throughout this summer's process:
Sweet Darkness
When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb
tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing,
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and
the sweet confinement of your
aloneness to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
by David Whyte
From "The House of Belonging"
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poetry
February 2009 
Annie
Access: Public
